


The Unfortunate Tragedy of Loving Him

by Anonymous



Category: Holy Trinity (YouTube RPF)
Genre: F/M, Markiplier - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-30
Updated: 2017-01-30
Packaged: 2018-09-20 19:37:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9509651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: trag·e·dyˈtrajədē/noun1. An event causing great suffering, destruction, and distress, such as a serious accident, crime, or natural catastrophe.2.A play dealing with tragic events and having an unhappy ending, especially one concerning the downfall of the main character.





	

Ugh I'm just getting restless now, Like, I'm just frustrated, And love sick. It's frustrating that I've been in love with Mark longer than him and his girlfriend have even been dating, and I still have gotten nowhere and it feels like I will never get anywhere at this point. Like I'm just not Mark's type maybe? Which is also kind of frustrating because I would choose him over and over and over again without a doubt or hesitation and it feels like all these feelings I have for him is just going to waste. Like I'm just dumping them in a giant black hole, never to reach anyone ever. He is the first and last thing in my mind everyday and he doesn't even know it. And the thing is that I don't even truly know Mark, like all the important parts of him. I'm not his friend so we can't have meaningful conversations where we get to know each other, where I can finally see all of him instead if just bits and pieces he gives everyone. I don’t know it just kind of hurts a lot to have all this love just to go to be in vain, because I mean he's never left my mind and I've never even crossed his. I've never even been noticed by him in a small way....it's very discouraging. It sort of feels like drowning but you won't fucking die. There are times where it's calm but in the end I'm still over here drowning, but Mark? Mark had a boat, and now he's rowed out of here. It just hurts that he will never look at me the way I look at him...I'm missing someone who isn't mine to miss, dream about someone that isn't mine to dream about, and love someone that isn't mine to love. He is not mine, but I like to pretend he wishes he was... Like sometimes I create this idea that he might secretly know who I am and love me too... But he does not love me and he is not mine... And it's just a freaking tragedy on my end, while he just moves on with his life and his pretty girl and the people that mindlessly follow him without really caring about who he is as a person. But I love him and I'll continue to love him, even if he doesn't love me back...I mean it will probably kill me I'm the end but who really cares? I don't feel like I'll ever end up with anyone anyway.  
Like I'll just end up alone for the rest of my life. The friends I have now won't even be here a year from now probably, who knows if you'll even still want to talk to me a year from now. And if I can't even keep friends how the hell am I supposed to find love, especially when my heart is already with Mark? Like I'm so afraid to lose him to, even though he's not even mine, I'm still afraid to lose him...That's how I know I got it bad....I miss something that I've never even had...I'm so pathetic, aren't I? Maybe this is why I'm always going to be alone.  
I've loved Mark so much I've lost who I am...I can't imagine my life without him since my life revolves around him now.... But I know one day he'll leave for good, then what would I do? I could be 30 with a nice job and still have completely lost the meaning in my life: Mark. My friend Alex says all the time that we might one day be friends with him, and I'd love that, but you know how hard it would be to be friends with someone you're madly in love with? Of course I don't blame Alex for saying that since their asexual but still.  
It was a bad coincidence that Mark was everything I've ever wanted. Almost all love stories are stories about people falling in love...but mine? I fell in love alone...and now I love him and he loves her. Fuck this shit. Like I want him, and I also want to get over him, and neither are happening. It's time to say goodbye to a love that's never existed and yet my heart still won't let go. It's like....yeah I'm technically single...but my heart is taken by someone I can never have so I just drift through life as the girl who's in love with a guy that will never notice her and nothing has ever hurt this damn much.  
And one of the worse things about this unrequited love? The loneliness....It's so poignant and crushing and makes it hard to breath most of the time. Because he'll never love me. And when I do meet him....IF I meet him, there is so much I'd want to say to him, but I can never find the words to properly express what he means to me without coming off as creepy. How do you do that with someone you're completely head over heels in love with? I mean, maybe one day, we'll be different people who can share a life in a different time, be together then....but that doesn't help me with my feelings now. And that's why I get so uneasy and frustrated when people say things like "he has a girlfriend now, you just need to get over it" because it's Like, can't you see I fucking tried? When you truly love someone you can't "just get over them" and just seeing pictures or listening to him talk to or about her, to see them interact, is like another knife in the chest. It doesn’t help that they don’t even seem in love to me at all, mostly because I know what being in love with Mark is like.  
I just love him wholly and completely while knowing I'll never be the cause behind a laugh or a smile. I hope for his happiness even though my own happiness is gone without him. I'm even forsaking other romance because the only romance I desire has forsaken me. I mean it's always forsaken me as long as I've been alive. In kindergarten well into 1st grade I had a crush on a boy named Peter. Although it was a crush and doesn't equal anything close to what I feel for Mark, in the end my feeling for him were still one sided. Then in the 3rd grade there was a boy named Roberto with the prettiest eyes that I played tag with on the playground. Sometimes he said he liked me, sometimes he didn't. It obviously never went anywhere. There was a boy named Coyote I also hung out with that year after school .He was actually a bit Asian, and we almost kissed under the stairs. Of course that never evolved because I moved schools. In the 5th through 7th I liked a boy named Jayden. He didn't even give me the time of day. But then Mark stepped into my life and I never looked at anyone else for long. When I tried my hardest to find someone else after Mark's girlfriend got revealed, just because I cared about his happiness too much, I got shot down and ended up back with my heart in Mark's grasp, without him ever even knowing.  
I guess that's what sucks about being a hopeless romantic without any romance huh? If I ever posted this anywhere...if anyone were to ever read this, they’d probably laugh at me. Or say I’m only 17 and don’t know what love even is. Or that I don’t except Mark’s in a relationship and I’m just being over dramatic. How do I show the world that I love Mark?  
Well I guess to start off, learning that Mark likes to snuggle was a big thing for me, since I always thought his arms and chest were the safest, most comfortable, and comforting, place in the world. Sometimes I can think of a million ways Mark and I would be good together. Other times I can think of a trillion reasons why I wouldn't be good for him and he deserves someone better. Like I could be good for him when it comes to something, like I'm patient, which I can tell might be needed with Mark. I don't need constant attention or anything, so I won't get in his way when he tries to go about his day. I'm nerdy enough where I could get excited about the same or similar things he would, and I love him enough where I could get excited JUST because he was excited. Like he could freak out about glue and I'd freak out with him. And I'm loyal, so hey, no one else but Mark would be in my life. And I want to do so much for him, and have so many idea of how to make him happy.  
On the other hand...because I'm a lot younger than him... The rumors that would spread about him would be horrible. And the fact that I'm a fan too. A lot of people will probably think I'm only in love with him because he's famous. But also the fact that I'm really shy I still think might put him off a bit. Mark is also just so amazing and smart, I worry I'm not smart enough to keep up with him, which might also put him off. And he's also really out of my league, he's so attractive and beautiful and kind. And I would say I was never all that kind, but he's one of the nicest people out there so it might tip us off a bit. And I'm pretty lazy and he really isn't, he's a really healthy type of person and I'm not, he even said he doesn't really care for soda, meanwhile I'm a soda addict. And then he's really experienced with relationships and I don't have any experience.  
And Mark really is the best person I’ve ever come across in my entire life. Even his imperfection make him perfect, make him the most awe inspiring thing to ever exist. I just....I don't NEED to see the universe to know that nothing out there is physically are mentally able to be prettier than Mark is. I could listen to every sound to ever exist, and nothing would be a more beautiful sound than Mark's voice. I can experience every sensation known to man, and I can already bet nothing else would feel as good as Mark, the hugs he could give, being held as you fall asleep at night, cuddling while watching movies… I could travel the world and have every dish ever created, any food ever grown, and nothing would taste as good as anything Mark would make, simply because it was Mark who made it. I could talk to every rocket scientist, much more evolved alien, and geniuses of the past and present, and none of them are as smart as Mark is, even if he won’t admit to himself that he is smart. If you combine the compassion of every good person, every animal shelter worker, nurse, police man, therapist, and teacher alive, they still won't come anywhere the kindness and heart Mark has, even if he doesn’t get the chance to show it often.   
I swear I love him more than a fisherman loves his boat, or an artist loves their pencil. I swear I love him more than an astronomer loves the sky and a biologist loves life. I swear I love him more than the moon loves the earth and the stars love heat. I love him more than monkeys love bananas and dogs love being pet and cats love being fed. I would go to bed at 6 pm just so I could be with him, but stay up till 3 am so I could listen to him, read about him, edit and look at pics of him. I would fly across the world for him. And would leave to float in space by myself for all eternity for him. I would stop a bullet or jump out a plane for him. If he went missing, I would use every possible resource to find him again, to make sure he's safe. I would fight 100 men and women much stronger than me, face off against a murderer with a knife completely unarmed to save him. I'd do whatever stupid or painful thing he wants to do for a video with him, if I can't talk him out of it of course, since I don’t want to see him hurt.. I'd listen to him talk for hours without getting bored, I'd do whatever he wants to do without a complaint, even if he wants to go see a glue factory, I would go with just to see the fascination on his face, no matter how I felt about it. If he was going to leave everything behind to board a spaceship and float out into the universe with 100% chance of death, I'd go with him, because he is my world and without him here, it has no meaning for me. He is my world, no matter how cheesy that sounds, it’s true. If he wanted me in videos,   
I'd be in videos. If he didn't want me in videos, I'd never bring it up. If he wanted to take me everywhere with him, to conventions and other countries, I would go. If he wanted me to stay at home and wait for him, I would do that without complaint. I mean I've waited 4, 2017 at some point marking 5 years, for him. I can wait a couple days, a couple weeks, a couple months, a couple YEARS for him to come back. I would never do anything he was uncomfortable with, when it comes to his channel or otherwise, and I'd, more likely than not, do whatever he wanted me to, because it would make him happy. And yes, that could put me in a potentially unhealthy relationship, I’m not stupid and I know what power that would give him... But I trust Mark, and that he wouldn't take advantage of me. I know he wouldn't take advantage of me. The only thing I would ever ask of him is that he loves me back, even just the tiniest fraction of the extent that I love him.  
Because I love Mark more than anything else.  
I truly, truly do.


End file.
